I love coffee. 

I love the way it tastes and how it warms me. I love the ritual of picking my mug, pouring my half and half, and adding the hot coffee to the mug. I love that first sip. 

Coffee brings me so much comfort when I'm stressed out. It actually helps me get into a space where I can focus and settle in on whatever needs my attention. If I'm wanting self-care and I don't have much time or a lot of money to spend on a great meal or massage therapy appointment, I grab a cup of coffee. Buying this delicious drink actually recharges me (and I'm not talking caffeine-charge here!) and gives me some inner peace as I move about my day. 

When I was pregnant, I lost my ability to drink several cups of coffee a day. Instead of pounding through my 16 oz. cup of Panera hazelnut coffee (once my go-to drink, which has now been replaced with Elm Height's BloomingFoods Americano beverage), I'd let it sit on my desk when I was teaching full-time. At 2:30pm, I'd pick up the cup to realize I still had more than half the cup remaining! It wasn't that I was consciously abstaining; it was really that I just couldn't stomach it and it didn't appeal to me as it had prenatally.

Luckily, now that I'm not pregnant, I have been able to resume my coffee habit. 

I share this because I know everyone has her own comfort items or habits. Maybe you love tea or the scent of your favorite body wash. Maybe you head outside for a run when you're stressed, or perhaps you snuggle in to your most loved blanket with your favorite book. 

I cannot stress enough how crucial it is to really surround yourself with comfort items when you're preparing for birth. You may find your preferences change, and what brought you comfort then does nothing for you now. But I encourage you to find what does bring you comfort and keep it on hand for when you're feeling stressed, worried or anxious. 

Do what brings you joy, relaxation or reassurance, and I promise you, you will not be sorry! 

When you count on others around you to take away your worries or ease your discomfort, you may find that you're setting yourself up for unrealistic expectations. Maybe you're counting on your sister to guide you through your contractions, solely because she had a baby last year. Or maybe you are expecting to get immediate pain relief through medication so you don't need to experience the pain of contractions. You might have to consider that your sister won't have all the answers or maybe she's not able to join you in labor as you had expected. Maybe your labor is going so quickly that pain medication is not an option. 

Setting yourself up for a positive birth experience means taking ownership over what you can do during labor and birth. You can't change the length or strenghth of the contractions, but you can be in charge of how you move your body, how you respond to the contraction buildling in your lower belly, and whether you're welcoming the labor or trying to escape it. 

This is not to say that you can make your labor pain-free, but you can help it to feel more manageable. 

Find what brings you comfort, and use it. 

When you've pictured yourself laboring, getting ready for your baby birth's, who is by your side? Are you surrounded by many loved ones? Is only your midwife or doctor present, along with the midwife's assistant or nurse? Perhaps you have a birth doula, your partner and mother to support you? 

There's not one right way to labor, just as there's not one right birth team to put together. But do consider the benefits of having someone who is trained to support you during childbirth. This person, a birth doula, is familiar with the birth process and how to support you, along with your birth partner (i.e., husband, girlfriend, mother, etc.). She is available, not to replace your birth partner, but to compliment the relationship that already exists between you and your birth partner. She is there to support your needs along with making sure your birth partner feels supported. 

Maybe you're not quite sure you want a birth doula, or maybe it's your birth partner that is hesitant to add another person to your birth team. I encourage families that are curious about whether to hire a birth doula to go ahead and schedule interviews with several to learn more. Interviews are done at no charge, and you will have an opportunity to ask questions and share your thoughts and preferences regarding your pregnancy and upcoming birth. You'll also want to meet more than one birth doula, as you may not necessarily mesh well with the first one you meet or you may find that upon meeting a couple more doulas, that in fact the first one you interviewed is the best fit for everyone. You want to feel sure that you will feel comfortable and uninhibited around whoever it is surrounds you on the day of your baby's birth. 

I realize not everyone is necessarily interested in having a stranger at their birth, and I understand the hesitations. Keep in mind, the stranger your doula is to you at that first meeting will shift into a different relationship. More than likely, you'll develop a close and comfortable relationship with her as you move closer to your baby's birth, and by the time you call her when you go into labor, you will feel at ease with her presence during such a vulnerable and intimate time. 

Remember, your doula is experienced in childbirth (having witnessed it, perhaps having given birth, and is well educated in childbirth), and you will probably not surprise her with any of your noises, movements, requests or behaviors during labor and birth. 

If you're unsure you want to hire a doula, but you are interested in the prenatal support you may receive from meeting with one, keep in mind that you may be able to arrange for meetings with a birth doula without necessarily asking her to be part of your birth team. 

I offer consultation services, similar to my prenatal visits with my clients, for families that want to discuss birth planning (i.e., preferences, birth wishes, birth plans), comfort measures and movements, and postpartum planning. During this time, you'll have a chance to share your thoughts, ask questions, and have an opportunity for additional support and resources. 

Perhaps you are happy with your prenatal care, but you wish you had a bit more time to discuss how you're feeling, planning for your labor, and how to prepare for parenthood with your care provider. While I won't give medical advice, I am available to discuss with you a lot of things that often come up in getting ready for childbirth. Without having to commit to hiring a birth doula, I can bring the best of both worlds for families that don't want to have a birth doula present during childbirth. 

And if you do decide to hire me as your birth doula (based on my availability, this may not always be possible to arrange), I will apply the consultation fees towards my birth doula fee. 

If you want to set up a consultation meeting, please give me a call or send me an email. Fees are $40/hour and most consultations last 1-2 hours (we can arrange this prior to our meeting). 

When I was recently sick, I curled up with my son's blanket. It was warm and soft, and it made me think of the cuddles we've shared. It was exactly what I needed to bring me comfort, to help me during a trying time. I turned it over, bunched it up, smoothed it out, and found the exact way to lean into it to feel most comfortable. I started to think about how much this one item could bring me comfort and ease my aching body. My mind traveled back to my labors with my children and also the many labors I've witnessed in my years as a birth doula. Often times, women find something of comfort during their labors and childbirth experiences. Sometimes it's an item from their baby's nursery, a blanket or little cap to be worn after birth. Other times it's something that belongs to the mother, a comfortable robe or photograph she's found to be beautiful and inspiring. 

I encourage you to think about what brings you comfort, and what you may want to have on hand during labor. Maybe it's your favorite pillow, with the familiar smells and texture of your bed linens from home. Or perhaps you want to instead bring a cozy pair of slippers to wear while walking around your home, working through the strong contractions that will bring your baby into your arms. 

Don't underestimate the strength and power of familiar items that currently bring you comfort. During challenging times, you may find the comfort you need to help you get through.  

Waiting.

It seems as if so much surrounding children involves waiting. And it usually begins with those first thoughts, "I'd love to have a baby." In the beginning, you may be waiting to ovulate or to see if your period comes. You may be waiting to take that pregnancy test or schedule that appointment to see your doctor. And then when you become pregnant, that first piece of waiting is over. 

But now, you may be waiting to tell your parents or your coworkers or your Facebook friends. And then you may be waiting to find out test, lab or ultrasound results. Perhaps you're waiting until you can find out the sex of the baby or maybe you're just waiting until the birth date for that one. You're waiting for your belly to round or you're waiting for those kicks. You're waiting to feel better and less tired or you're waiting to indulge in your favorite foods (sushi, soft cheeses) until after delivery, per What to Expect While Expecting. 

During your pregnancy, you can't imagine wanting to give birth any sooner than your due date, but as you get further in your pregnancy, you start to feel more ready and excited and anxious than ever before. You find yourself at 35 weeks thinking about your due date, only a month or so away. And as it creeps closer, your belly grows and you start to feel more uncomfortable, more ready to meet this baby. At 37 weeks, you start announcing to everyone that your baby is full-term now, and that he can be born whenever he likes! And you start thinking, any day...any day! You reach 38 weeks, certain that you won't have to wait much longer...will tonight be the night I go into labor? 39 weeks arrives and you're positive that there's no way whatsoever that you will still be pregnant and make that OB appointment next week. Your due date is here (yeah!) and you're STILL PREGNANT. You're certain this baby will be born sometime in the next 18 hours, and every hour that passes you start to realize your baby will be not born today and you will in fact be pregnant again tomorrow. You schedule an appointment for 41 weeks, hoping, praying, begging your body to still not be pregnant at that point. You have been waiting, waiting, WAITING to go into labor and you had no anticipation of making it to 41 weeks, let alone a whole new month you're now in! You were supposed to have a February baby, not a March baby! So you're at 41 weeks, scheduling additional tests to monitor baby, and you leave the appointment feeling like you're never going to give birth. You're the one woman that will remain pregnant forever. 

You go to bed, settled on the fact that you will give birth to a four year old and that's just how it'll be. Or maybe you'll just go ahead and schedule that induction for a few days from now, as your body clearly can't do its job. 

Only...you wake up at 3am feeling something you haven't felt before. It's kind of this crampy, uncomfortable feeling that makes you pay attention. It's short lived, your uterus softens and you glance at the clock. Okay, that was weird, you think. You close your eyes, only to feel this crampy tightening again, 10 minutes later. Hmmm... I might as well get up and use the toilet since I'm already awake. You make your way into the bathroom, and when you wipe, you notice the toilet paper is gooey. As you're walking back into your room, you feel another tightening, this time making you stop and pause. And then it hits you...the waiting is over! This is it! This is the beginning of your journey in meeting your baby. 

You spent the rest of labor, working through contractions, but essentially waiting for labor to intensify, and once it does, you're waiting for the time to begin pushing. Once you start pushing, you're waiting for that final push that brings your baby into your arms. And then...it happens! Your baby is here. The waiting is over!!! Or is it? 

You'll find yourself waiting for lots of changes and developmental milestones to be reached. And if you allow it, you'll find yourself spending much of your time waiting for the next stage to happen. 

But I encourage you to slow down, notice where your emotions and thoughts are now, and steady them so that you stay in the moment. This is not to say you have to enjoy every step along the way and just be happy... no. I'm just suggesting that if you spend your energy waiting for the next moment, you're going to lose out on what is happening RIGHT NOW. 

Your baby will be born. Your baby will sleep for longer stretches. Your toddler will start talking. 

Take the time, now, to just be where you are in whatever stage of parenthood you happen to be. And notice how peaceful it can be to just be there, rather than always feeling like you're waiting for something else. 

Alright, so you have stuff and you have things and you have a bit of this and that. So now you're about ready for Baby, right? 

Maybe. 

Or maybe what you need to do is get emotionally ready for this new little being that will share your home for the next eighteen more more years. 

I'm not saying you have to emotionally prep for parenting an eighteen year old, but you do need to wrap your head around building your family from where you are now to where you'll be in a matter of months (weeks, days?). 

Perhaps it's just you and your wife, and you're giddy that your first child will be born shortly. Or maybe you have four older kids and this new one was a (ahem) surprise! Families come in all different forms, but planning for and setting in place support for everyone involved can make your postpartum period that much more pleasant and enjoyable. 

As a family (and this includes small children and anyone who will be intimately involved the first few months), have a conversation about the anticipations surrounding the end of Mom's pregnancy. What does she need to feel well nourished, rested and prepared for labor, birth and caring for the needs of this new baby? Who will help support Mom, and are there things that every person can do to make the transition a bit smoother? 

What does the other parent need, in preparing for this new baby's birth? And what preparations can be made now to make the adjustment less stressful on everyone? If there are other children involved, do they have a realistic expectation on what changes may occur? And if you're not quite sure what changes may occur, then you may want to think about (talk, make a list, etc.) who carries various responsibilities now and who will take on these tasks or chores when Mom (and possibly the other parent) are unavailable? 

Some families find it takes a shorter amount of time before the parent(s) are ready to attempt some idea of before-baby "normalcy", and in fact, there may be tasks that simply can't be put to the side (i.e., walking the dog, eating dinner, wearing clean(ish) clothes! But just because these tasks can't be ignored, doesn't mean that Mom and/or the other parent needs to be the ones responsible. Perhaps budgeting during pregnancy for a postpartum doula may ease the burden of those tasks that need to happen. Or maybe planning ahead and freezing meals or setting up a meal train may be helpful when it comes to feeding everyone. 

This leads to the next idea that every person's expectations will have to shift, probably towards the end of Mom's pregnancy but definitely after the birth and during the early days and weeks (probably longer!). There may have been struggles to "get it all done" before the baby was born, and it's not going to magically get easier once Mom is no longer pregnant. Instead, the focus in the beginning of this new baby's life will be holding, feeding, diapering and resting. During this time, Mom will not be able to give 100% of her attention to anything in her life, rather she'll be balancing the needs of recovering, feeding her baby, and then shifting what is left of her energy to what is vital. Understanding that this is not how it will always be is a good reminder for everyone. There will come a time when the baby does not seemingly take everyone's time and energy, and it's helpful to think of what your baby is expecting and needing during the early days and weeks. 

Keeping open communication and remembering to let go of unrealistic expectations can be helpful in getting emotionally ready for this new baby!

*This post was taken from a variety of personal experiences as a birth doula and also a mix of conversations had with other birth doulas. While some details may seem particular, this is not an account of any specific birth or family.

I’m so tired.

No, I’m not singing the Beatles’ tune, but rather reflecting on how I feel after having been awake with a birthing mother throughout the night and early morning.

Of course, when a doula is tired, she generally can go home and rest, whereas the new family is discovering their new roles and learning about the newest member. Newly postpartum mama is feeling her deflated tummy, empty of baby, soft and squishy. She walks gently to the bathroom, looks in the mirror and for the first time sees herself as mama. Papa hold his daughter, uncurling her fingers only to feel them wrap tightly around his finger; her world is her family, all she needs. New parents, feeling hyped up on those emotions that surround birth, smell their newborn’s neck, inhaling this sweetness that only resides on a new baby’s skin. The tiniest whimpers and loudest of cries makes the new parents reply with care, concern, love. And each and every time this sweet baby cries out, her needs are met instantly.

While this is happening, the learning and exploring, the doula is home. Perhaps she has to tend to her other roles, or maybe she’s tucked into her own bed. Depending on the length of labor support and the circumstances, the doula may be completely ready to jump into her agenda or previously scheduled commitments. Many times, however, it feels good for the doula to transition from the energy of labor and birth to her own space in the world with her own comfort measures (and you thought comfort measures were only for laboring women!).

This may include special rituals that ease the doula back into her own space in the world. Showers and baths can feel nice, bringing warmth, soothing scents and a chance to be washed clean, both literally and emotionally. Whether it was a straightforward birth with no complications or a birth that was dictated by the health of the mother or baby, the doula is certainly holding onto the range of emotions that happen within the birthing setting. Letting the water run over her skin can help a doula release the energy she’s been holding. Emerging from the warm water, the doula changes from the clothing she’s been wearing (perhaps for over the past 24 hours) into clean, comfortable clothing. She may crawl into bed, pulling the covers over her and fall quickly into a deep sleep. Upon waking, she manages to eat something, filling her belly more slowly than perhaps her rushed snacks throughout the time she’s been offering labor support.

Throughout the hours after the birth, it’s common for the doula to check in with the new parents, unless something else has been arranged. This may be a quick text or call, and sometimes a doula will stop back in to check on her clients later in the day. By this point, maybe the larger birth teams (grandparents-to-be, sisters, best friends) have returned their own homes or perhaps the clients that kept the birth setting intimate are now introducing their new daughter to their loved ones. Regardless, the doula is now entering into the new parents’ space in a different way; her role is not of labor support but instead postpartum support, celebration, and just being present to whatever is happening. This may include sharing laughter, tears, reflecting on the birth or simply gushing over how amazing and beautiful the new baby is.

Emotionally, there’s a wide range of normal for doulas after the birth is finished. There’s certainly this feeling of joy for the new parents, as their labor and birth story has wrapped, their story of parenting is just beginning. But sometimes she finds her role so quickly (and, of course, inevitably) changes once their baby is born. Of course the birth doula supports breastfeeding and acknowledges the new baby’s feeding cues and abilities, but her role is not to stay long past the birth (this varies from doula to doula, but staying up to a couple hours after the birth is typical). The doula holds the feelings for the family, whether it be elation or some feeling of loss over something that wasn’t expected, in addition to her own emotions surrounding the birth. And of course, birth doulas undoubtedly have their own stressors which may come into play as she’s reflecting on the birth. But when the doula surrounds herself with support and revisits her defined role as “birth doula”, she can let go of what was out of anyone’s control and find beauty in this sweet new baby’s birth story.

Being called to provide birth support is something most birth doulas don’t take lightly. It’s an intimate and special moment for an expectant family, and birth doulas are very aware of this. Taking a deep breath, releasing her own “stuff” and bringing light and love into the birth setting is something doulas learn. She may be invited to join a birth team that is comprised only of the parents-to-be, midwife (or doctor) and midwife’s assistant (or nurse). This team of three or four people works together, supporting the laboring mother and partner as they near closer to their baby’s birth. The birth doula has spent time in her training, continuing education and personal growth in order to provide the best support to this growing family. It’s an exhausting, (physically, emotionally, and mentally) profession, but it’s also very gratifying and inspiring work.

Watching a laboring couple work together in the throes of labor may remind a doula of her connection to her own partner. Seeing the awe in the new mother’s eyes as she sees her child for the first time may spark that deep love for her own child. Observing the joy in the faces of new grandparents and hearing them express their pride and elation over this new baby brings to mind the loved ones in the doula’s life.

Birth doulas may feel tired after the birth, but they also feel extreme love and amazement and happiness for the new family. And they feel honored and grateful for having been invited to be part of this new family’s birth.