Becoming a parent means making decisions for your child when they are too young to do so themselves. Some of these may not impact the child greatly while others carry more risk or responsibility in the decision. 

Sometimes the decision we make as parents of young children in 2014 were not even a choice back when we were born or growing up. Or maybe current research points to alternatives to what we experienced as children. There may also be "hot button" issues for new parents, choices that feel big and critical and not worth compromising. These issues may not have existed for the new grandparents, or if they did, the grandparents chose differently. 

Trying to explain why you're insisting your child doesn't eat solid foods until 6 months or your preference for more natural skin-care products, for example, can be met with resistance. Perhaps your parents don't understand how you came to that decision, or they may not be familiar with the current recommendations. Maybe your parents consciously chose differently than you, and now anything other than the way you were raised feels confrontational or as if you're saying they made the wrong choices. To which you will probably hear, "but you turned out fine!". And you may agree you turned out fine, or you may feel that fine is fine but you want better than fine. Or, maybe you have health issues that may not have occurred had your parents chosen differently with any of the decisions they were faced. Regardless, it's bound to feel uncomfortable for either or both parties involved, and there may be some unnecessary stress during a time when you're trying to figure out this whole parenting gig. 

I don't have all the answers, by any means, but here are some ideas for handling "but you turned out fine!" statements. 

• Choose your battles, New Parent. Yes, I believe that it feels ultra important that you make every decision about your child, regardless of importance of outcome. But to parent in community and with loved ones means you can lean on others for support. You may not have to make every decision by yourself, and while that may feel scary for you in the beginning, it's going to set you up for feeling well supported as your child grows. That's not to say you have to compromise on the issues that are mega-important, because you don't. There are going to be big issues that you just won't change your mind. And that's okay. But if every decision has the same value, then you may feel overburdened and overwhelmed by having to oversee that anyone caring for your child cares for him the exact same way as you, making the same decisions as you. 
• State your preferences, state your no-compromise issues. If your child is going to be cared by another, be clear about what it is you will not compromise. Correct carseat use every time? Yes, definitely. Nap time at exactly 1:30pm? There's some wriggle room there to allow for your child's day and mood. And don't feel like you need to apologize for your no-compromise issues. State that research supports your choice or point to your pediatrician as the expert who also supports your choice. Or simply say this is your decision and you're standing by it. Also, I suspect that if you leave some room for your care provider and/or your child to be part of the decision making process on some of the issues that may not truly be all that critical, you will get less resentment or kick-back on your no-compromise issues. 
• Put yourself in their shoes. Just as we wouldn't dare imagine our precious little ones someday scolding us that we didn't make the right choices or rolling their eyes at us that we would even think of... think about how you're communicating with your parents about the issues that are important to you. I think everyone can agree a great many kids have grown into healthy and happy adults, in spite of how they were raised. But talking to your parents as if they know absolutely nothing about child-rearing may not help the matter or your relationship. If your parents made choices that truly did put you in danger, and you know they will make the same choice with their grandchild, then that needs to be addressed. But again, part of parenting in community means trusting and leaning on others for support. Some of that means letting go of micromanaging the smaller details. 

Take that deep breath, let it go and learn to state confidently the issues that matter most to you. The rest? You can decide when and how to let others help you in caring for your child, even if it's not the exact same care as you'd provide. 

I'm amazed how taking care of one's needs can be considered selfish. I came across a blog post listing 25 things moms need to do for themselves. Sounds good, right? And it wasn't all that off, really, in what I would recommend. However, in the piece, it states "It's hard to drown out the little voice, but we're here to tell that it's OK to be selfish. It's OK to do things for yourself." Yes, it's okay to do things for yourself, but is that considered selfish? The definition of selfish is "lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure." 

So, what's up with that? How can we be encouraged to take time for our own needs while also calling it selfish? Lacking consideration for others? When I'm taking time for things I enjoy and time for self-renewal, I'm actually very much considering my children's needs. I know that in order for them to have a happy and healthy mom, I need to care for myself just as I care for their needs (and teach them to care for their needs, too!).  And the sheer nature of calling caring for our own needs "selfish" just feels wrong. It makes me almost not want to tend to the pieces of my being that need attention. 

Part of my job as mother means that I want to help my children be prepared to live fulfilling lives. I want them to learn how to care for their emotional health so they can cope well with challenges. I want my children to recognize when they need to reach out and ask for help. I want my children to understand there are resources and people in the world who will help them to be successful and happy and well. And in order to teach these lessons, I need to walk the walk. I need to show them that the world doesn't stop because I'm tending to my emotional needs and mental health. I can take a break from what I'm doing and the world will keep on turning. 

Taking time for yourself doesn't have to happen infrequently, such as receiving a gifted massage on your birthday or taking an afternoon to hang with your girlfriends once every few months. Taking time should happen as often as you need to replenish your cup. And just as with food, if you're noticing that you're hungry soon after your meal, examine what you've eaten and if that's enough to sustain you. If your meal is a candy bar and soda, then you're going to find that you're hungry again soon after and will spend more time and maybe money refueling your body. Whereas if you had just eaten a healthy meal with lots of color and protein, you may find that you're able to tend to the tasks at hand more easily. If your idea of replenishing is staying up late to watch a movie but the next day you're dragging due to lack of sleep, maybe this isn't the best way to always reboot. Or if taking care of your needs is drinking more than your body can handle, you probably won't feel refreshed the next day. I'm not suggesting you should NEVER stay up late or throw back some drinks. But if this is your "me time", then maybe you should integrate in other ways to meet your needs. 

Heading into nature is one of the simplest ways to nourish yourself. It can be as simple as sitting on your porch and noticing the trees around you. It can be going to the nearest hiking trails and walking in the woods for an hour. Sitting and being still and silent can also feel good. Notice your breathing, where your thoughts are going. Quiet any of the stress that comes your way when you start thinking of everything you could be doing instead. And just sit and be. This doesn't need to last hours or even minutes. Taking just ten to twenty seconds can give you that time to take some deep breaths deep into your belly and out again. 

And lastly, think about what you'd suggest to your dearest friend if she told you that she was tired, overworked, stressed, too busy, etc. Then turn that around and gift yourself those same suggestions. Take a moment to really love and tend to your emotional needs and see how much better you are at coping with your daily stressors.  

There comes a point in an expectant client's pregnancy where I begin nesting.  I start to put aside what I may need, should I receive a phone call in the middle of the night: comfortable clothing and shoes, my doula bag, food, drink, cell phone and charger, breast pump, and on. There have been times where I'm quite thankful to have been prepared, as it was helpful for me to have arrived sooner at her home, than later. 

I make arrangements with friends to care for Everett, I talk with my older children about the possibility of change in their routine, and I look ahead to what might need to be rearranged in my calendar. It's really an exciting time, even though my preparations may not be necessary for days or even weeks. 

I find that if I can settle into bed feeling like I have everything set, should I receive a phone call that night, that I sleep much better. I can fall asleep more quickly, and my sleep is more restful. 

With that said, if I treated each night's sleep as if it's going to be THE NIGHT, then it may feel like a very long waiting game. So instead, I make my preparations, and then I try to LET GO. I try to let go of that anticipation of, "will my client go into labor!?!", because I know that the more pressure I put that tonight may be THE NIGHT, then my energy is being put to use on something that doesn't need that level of energy. 

I remind myself that even knowing a client is three centimeters dilated at her last appointment, I still don't have any idea when her labor will start. Even if I've talked with her earlier in the day, and she's been feeling some cramps throughout the morning, that still doesn't mean she will be calling me later because her labor has intensified or she's requesting my support. 

So in order to really rest and be prepared for when I do receive a call, all I can do is prepare what I can and then LET GO of the questions that I don't have answers for. 

I encourage the families with whom I work to take a similar approach to their last weeks of pregnancy. When each night becomes WILL LABOR BEGIN TONIGHT? then it's bound to feel like a lengthy last few weeks. 

And before you try to tell me how hard it is to not know when labor will begin or that the last few weeks of pregnancy can be uncomfortable and exhausting in their own way, let me tell you: I GET IT! I totally understand feeling ready to go into labor, wondering when in the world my labor would begin, hoping that contractions would begin already! And it's really okay to feel how you feel, honestly. But if you're able to take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you can either stress yourself out with something you really can't control and feel even more exhausted OR you can remind yourself that letting go of those unanswered questions (when will I begin labor, how long will it last, etc.) can give you the space to prepare for your baby more peacefully. 

There's no shortage of gently-used items here in Bloomington. You may find them at Once Upon a Child or Goodwill, or you may find them at a sale held at a church or other community organization. Every weekend, you're sure to find a yard sale (i.e., garage sale, rummage sale, etc., depending on where you live). 

Recently at Bloomington Area Birth Services, I hosted a rummage sale, completely volunteering my time. Together with my community, we raised over $550 that went directly to BABS. I did not do this work alone! We had many families donate their gently used (and sometimes brand new with tags!) items to BABS. Without these donations, there would not have been any type of sale. I'm sure for some families it was a convenient way to declutter their home, knowing they could bring over their bags and boxes of items to BABS. But for all the families, they made a conscious decision to donate to BABS. There are so many worthwhile organizations in our town that take donations to give away to families in need, and certainly families could have sold their items on their own, pocketing any money from their sale. I've done both- donated items to Goodwill, for example, and sold items independently to make a few dollars or recoup money on something I've purchased but no longer use/need. 

I was really amazed how much we (speaking from an organization standpoint, as I am the Program Director at BABS) received in donations. Up until a couple hours before the sale, we had people still bringing in items. I was so thankful for how generous people were, as the sheer volume of items kept me busy at the check out THE ENTIRE TIME. Really, doors opened at 2pm and I looked at my clock and was amazed it was 3:15pm! Time really flew! 

I was so fortunate to have volunteers for the sorting and organizing before the sale. Having never held a yard sale before, I really did not know what I was "getting myself into." I was actually hesitant how much to advertise the sale in advance, not knowing what we'd receive or how much we'd have to sell. And due to space restrictions, I didn't actually begin accepting donations at BABS until just a few days prior. Now that the rummage sale is over, I have a better idea how to prepare for and host the sale to make it more efficient for everyone. 

But back to my volunteers, because these women were undeniably helpful. And truth be told, I could've done a better job recruiting and communicating with my volunteers. Regardless, my volunteers came in and gave of their time and energy to prepare for the sale. I am not kidding when I say we had hundreds, if not a thousand or more, of pieces of clothing to sort. Really. We had sizes ranging from newborn to juniors. And let me tell you, a garbage bag or plastic tote can hold A LOT of clothing. It took hours to go through boxes, bins and bags of clothing. 

Looking through the clothing, we would stop and comment, "this is so cute!", or "look at how small this is!", or even, "oh my gosh, my son had this exact sleeper!". As a mom, I understand the emotional pull to keep so many cute outfits my children wore or to hang onto something because of the memories it evokes. And yet we had SO MANY donations of clothing that were undoubtedly special to the donors. 

And finally, we had a great turn-out from our community. Again, having never hosted something like this before, I honestly had no idea whether we'd have many attendees. I really wasn't sure how to advertise well for the sale, and yet, we still had a great turn-out. Lesson learned, advertise early, advertise often, and include details for what you're selling.

As I sat at my table at check-out, I had the fortune to talk with and interact with all the folks that came to shop. Because many things cost $0.25, I did a lot of counting and multiplying and adding. And when someone would hand me their pile of clothes and learn it was $6, the look on their face was priceless. What started as a great way to raise money for BABS turned into a great way to support families. Simply walking in and shopping was a  fabulous way to support BABS, and I was thankful for that! And yet, we had so many families say, "keep the change" after they heard the total. Knowing that the sale was supporting families made me feel so happy, as did knowing that it gave families an opportunity to support BABS. Maybe writing a check to BABS is just not a possibility, and I get it. But I am so grateful, as is everyone at BABS, for that extra dollar or two. 

There are changes I'd make the next time I host a sale at BABS (yes, I think it's going to happen again, though I'm not sure when). But for now, I'm just reflecting on how generous out community is. This tells me that our community values Bloomington Area Birth Services, and this makes me proud. I'm ever so grateful to be part of an organization that goes above and beyond to support families. 

Almost six years ago, I was given this print as a gift from one of the first families that invited me to be part of their birth team. It is such a beloved gift, something that reminds me of a time in my life that felt so full of possibility. 

I wanted more than anything to work as a birth doula. I had no idea how that was going to happen, actually. I felt under pressure to submit my materials for certification, and I was mothering two small children. I didn't know many people in Bloomington, and in fact, I was very lonely for a community of women. 

I was so fortunate to have families choose me to join them in labor; I certainly didn't have any more experience than any of the practicing doulas. I did, however, have a profound respect for the birthing process and a strong interest in learning more. 

The families with whom I worked taught me how to listen and support. I am so thankful for this. 

This print reminds me of these sweet babies, now almost six year olds. It also reminds me of my growth as a birth doula. I am reminded that there is always room to learn and improve. There's a beauty in admitting that. 

When your baby is born, he will expect to be held. He will expect to be close to you or someone else that loves him very much. He will expect to be tended to, his needs met. He will show hunger cues, to which he will expect to be fed. You will notice your baby relaxing in your arms as he settles in, nourished and comforted. 

In the early days, when it feels like all you're doing is feeding, changing, and soothing (among other baby-related tasks). keep in mind that you and your baby are both learning. You're also not only healing from birth, but you're producing nourishing milk, and your hormones are shifting as you settle into your non-pregnant, lactating body. Throw on top of that lack of continuous sleep and it's no wonder the first few days (weeks, months) are all a blur. 

Be kind to yourself. Be kind to those with whom you live. Everyone is learning. Everyone is adjusting.

I like to encourage you to create a comfortable, peaceful environment as you approach your due date so that once your baby is born, you will find your space to be conducive to healing, growing and learning. You don't want to put it off for once your baby is here, as you may not feel like tending to those details. 

You may want to:

• set aside clean bedding that someone can put on your bed for once your baby is born. Settling into a comfortable, clean bed can feel so nice. 
• invest in body washes or soaps that you will want to use if you bring your baby in the bath with you; something without dyes or perfumes may be better for baby's sensitive skin. 
• buy snacks and drinks that are yummy, healthy, and nourishing; you will want to have plenty of food and drinks on hand so that you aren't searching for something to eat when you're hungry. Some women say their appetite ramps up while they're breastfeeding, so be prepared that you may find yourself eating more than you were expecting.
• prepare a comfortable place in your home where you can sit, nurse your baby and rest; I enjoyed setting up a station on the couch with a baby seat nearby where I could lay my sleeping baby. I kept my phone, charger and plenty of snacks and a water bottle nearby. Don't forget to turn your ringer off when you're resting! 
• decide where and how you're going to document your baby's first few days (weeks, months); keeping a journal nearby where you can jot down a few sentences or keep a calendar nearby where you can jot down milestones or something you want to remember from the day. Once a month, I like adding my favorite pictures directly into a photo book online where I add text to document the month's happenings; at the end of the year I order it and we have all our favorite pictures in one place. 
• keep non-essential baby gear out of the way; while you may have lots of baby gear and toys for your baby to use in the future, it may feel cluttered to have it all sitting around for months at a time before your baby is big enough to use it. The same goes for clothing and shoes that are too large. 
• make a plan at the beginning of the day (or week) for how you're going to meet your various needs: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Taking care of your whole self can help you function, particularly when you're feeling sleep-deprived and overwhelmed. 

There's no one right way to plan for your postpartum and your baby's early months, but it usually helps to do some prep work before he is born. Only you know what you may need and what brings you comfort and reassurance. 

We celebrated my daughter's first birthday in August 2007. I used a babyfood cookbook for ideas and guidance in feeding her solids, and in the book was a recipe for a raspberry cake. 

No joking, I was as excited for her first birthday party as I was for my wedding day. For me, it was a celebration of not only my daughter's first year, but it felt like such a HUGE milestone for me as her mother. 

We had lived in Vermont her first year, away from family, and this was really the first time that our entire family and good friends would be in one space to celebrate her existence. 

I don't recall if Pinterest existed at that point, but I really didn't fix my sight on anything elaborate, except for this cake. 

This cake. 

It was entirely from scratch. I whipped the cream and spent a couple hours preparing this cake. 

How did I feel that day, hosting over forty people at my in-law's home, creating a cake from scratch and did I mention, very NEWLY pregnant? 

I felt stressed out, tired and anxious. I begged someone to just watch Avery and take care of her while I prepared for the party. I honestly can't remember much of the party, besides that cake. 

And that's what makes me feel sad to this day. That fleeting moment, when we celebrated my daughter's first year, I only remember the cake. I don't recall much of my daughter's silliness, and I don't remember taking time to really connect with her and tell her how much I loved her and how grateful I was to be her mom. 

Instead, I remember that cake and the stress in preparing for the party. 

Since then, I've made the mistake one other time in hosting a large party and getting overwhelmed with the details. But I've really tried to be in the moment, enjoying my guests and my family during subsequent parties. I've put less pressure on the party and more emphasis on my child. 

While I still visit Pinterest, I honestly have no drive or desire to create our parties from scratch or to consume my energy with the small details. Perhaps if it brought me more joy or if it wasn't as stressful, I would tend to the details. But for now, while I'm parenting three young children and some days trying to keep my head above water, I'm just doing what I can do be in the moment.