I'm amazed how taking care of one's needs can be considered selfish. I came across a blog post listing 25 things moms need to do for themselves. Sounds good, right? And it wasn't all that off, really, in what I would recommend. However, in the piece, it states "It's hard to drown out the little voice, but we're here to tell that it's OK to be selfish. It's OK to do things for yourself." Yes, it's okay to do things for yourself, but is that considered selfish? The definition of selfish is "lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure." 

So, what's up with that? How can we be encouraged to take time for our own needs while also calling it selfish? Lacking consideration for others? When I'm taking time for things I enjoy and time for self-renewal, I'm actually very much considering my children's needs. I know that in order for them to have a happy and healthy mom, I need to care for myself just as I care for their needs (and teach them to care for their needs, too!).  And the sheer nature of calling caring for our own needs "selfish" just feels wrong. It makes me almost not want to tend to the pieces of my being that need attention. 

Part of my job as mother means that I want to help my children be prepared to live fulfilling lives. I want them to learn how to care for their emotional health so they can cope well with challenges. I want my children to recognize when they need to reach out and ask for help. I want my children to understand there are resources and people in the world who will help them to be successful and happy and well. And in order to teach these lessons, I need to walk the walk. I need to show them that the world doesn't stop because I'm tending to my emotional needs and mental health. I can take a break from what I'm doing and the world will keep on turning. 

Taking time for yourself doesn't have to happen infrequently, such as receiving a gifted massage on your birthday or taking an afternoon to hang with your girlfriends once every few months. Taking time should happen as often as you need to replenish your cup. And just as with food, if you're noticing that you're hungry soon after your meal, examine what you've eaten and if that's enough to sustain you. If your meal is a candy bar and soda, then you're going to find that you're hungry again soon after and will spend more time and maybe money refueling your body. Whereas if you had just eaten a healthy meal with lots of color and protein, you may find that you're able to tend to the tasks at hand more easily. If your idea of replenishing is staying up late to watch a movie but the next day you're dragging due to lack of sleep, maybe this isn't the best way to always reboot. Or if taking care of your needs is drinking more than your body can handle, you probably won't feel refreshed the next day. I'm not suggesting you should NEVER stay up late or throw back some drinks. But if this is your "me time", then maybe you should integrate in other ways to meet your needs. 

Heading into nature is one of the simplest ways to nourish yourself. It can be as simple as sitting on your porch and noticing the trees around you. It can be going to the nearest hiking trails and walking in the woods for an hour. Sitting and being still and silent can also feel good. Notice your breathing, where your thoughts are going. Quiet any of the stress that comes your way when you start thinking of everything you could be doing instead. And just sit and be. This doesn't need to last hours or even minutes. Taking just ten to twenty seconds can give you that time to take some deep breaths deep into your belly and out again. 

And lastly, think about what you'd suggest to your dearest friend if she told you that she was tired, overworked, stressed, too busy, etc. Then turn that around and gift yourself those same suggestions. Take a moment to really love and tend to your emotional needs and see how much better you are at coping with your daily stressors.  

I love coffee. 

I love the way it tastes and how it warms me. I love the ritual of picking my mug, pouring my half and half, and adding the hot coffee to the mug. I love that first sip. 

Coffee brings me so much comfort when I'm stressed out. It actually helps me get into a space where I can focus and settle in on whatever needs my attention. If I'm wanting self-care and I don't have much time or a lot of money to spend on a great meal or massage therapy appointment, I grab a cup of coffee. Buying this delicious drink actually recharges me (and I'm not talking caffeine-charge here!) and gives me some inner peace as I move about my day. 

When I was pregnant, I lost my ability to drink several cups of coffee a day. Instead of pounding through my 16 oz. cup of Panera hazelnut coffee (once my go-to drink, which has now been replaced with Elm Height's BloomingFoods Americano beverage), I'd let it sit on my desk when I was teaching full-time. At 2:30pm, I'd pick up the cup to realize I still had more than half the cup remaining! It wasn't that I was consciously abstaining; it was really that I just couldn't stomach it and it didn't appeal to me as it had prenatally.

Luckily, now that I'm not pregnant, I have been able to resume my coffee habit. 

I share this because I know everyone has her own comfort items or habits. Maybe you love tea or the scent of your favorite body wash. Maybe you head outside for a run when you're stressed, or perhaps you snuggle in to your most loved blanket with your favorite book. 

I cannot stress enough how crucial it is to really surround yourself with comfort items when you're preparing for birth. You may find your preferences change, and what brought you comfort then does nothing for you now. But I encourage you to find what does bring you comfort and keep it on hand for when you're feeling stressed, worried or anxious. 

Do what brings you joy, relaxation or reassurance, and I promise you, you will not be sorry! 

When you count on others around you to take away your worries or ease your discomfort, you may find that you're setting yourself up for unrealistic expectations. Maybe you're counting on your sister to guide you through your contractions, solely because she had a baby last year. Or maybe you are expecting to get immediate pain relief through medication so you don't need to experience the pain of contractions. You might have to consider that your sister won't have all the answers or maybe she's not able to join you in labor as you had expected. Maybe your labor is going so quickly that pain medication is not an option. 

Setting yourself up for a positive birth experience means taking ownership over what you can do during labor and birth. You can't change the length or strenghth of the contractions, but you can be in charge of how you move your body, how you respond to the contraction buildling in your lower belly, and whether you're welcoming the labor or trying to escape it. 

This is not to say that you can make your labor pain-free, but you can help it to feel more manageable. 

Find what brings you comfort, and use it. 

When I was recently sick, I curled up with my son's blanket. It was warm and soft, and it made me think of the cuddles we've shared. It was exactly what I needed to bring me comfort, to help me during a trying time. I turned it over, bunched it up, smoothed it out, and found the exact way to lean into it to feel most comfortable. I started to think about how much this one item could bring me comfort and ease my aching body. My mind traveled back to my labors with my children and also the many labors I've witnessed in my years as a birth doula. Often times, women find something of comfort during their labors and childbirth experiences. Sometimes it's an item from their baby's nursery, a blanket or little cap to be worn after birth. Other times it's something that belongs to the mother, a comfortable robe or photograph she's found to be beautiful and inspiring. 

I encourage you to think about what brings you comfort, and what you may want to have on hand during labor. Maybe it's your favorite pillow, with the familiar smells and texture of your bed linens from home. Or perhaps you want to instead bring a cozy pair of slippers to wear while walking around your home, working through the strong contractions that will bring your baby into your arms. 

Don't underestimate the strength and power of familiar items that currently bring you comfort. During challenging times, you may find the comfort you need to help you get through.