This is not a blog dedicated to organization, latest trends in home decor, or home improvement projects. By no means do I call myself an expert, and if you were to visit my house at any given moment, you'd see toys scattered around, laundry baskets waiting for attention, and dishes just lounging in the sink. But this morning I feel called to tackle "getting your house in order". 

With three kids, a husband, a dog and a cat, I constantly feel like I'm managing everyone's stuff. It can get a bit overwhelming when our weeks are busy, I'm away with a laboring mama, our calendar is packed with activities. I've tried to implement chore charts, after-school expectations, family meetings where we discuss said chore charts and after-school expectations. Sometimes we're on top of everything, managing well, but lately it feels like we're, well, not managing well.

So, in birth, if someone is not managing or coping well, I'd suggest other positions or movements. I may rub a mama's back or offer her something to drink. I'd remind her about where she is in labor and normalize her feelings of discomfort or curiousity. And if that didn't work, I'd try something else. I'd follow her lead. I'd turn to her birth partner, nurse or care provider and we'd come together as her team to support her hard work and efforts.  

But at home, as co-head of our household, I'm struggling with feeling like whatever I try to implement isn't sustainable. Then I start considering the reasons why. And I've come to realize that I cannot expect our home to be without it's disorganization or mess. WE LIVE HERE! WE'RE A BUSY FAMILY OF FIVE! THIS IS REAL LIFE AND NOT SOME MAGAZINE! Even so, there must be ways to get us back to some sense of calm after those busy days. In labor, women yell, moan, cry, sway silently. It's real and it's not what you see in the movies. A contraction begins and a woman uses whatever coping choice feels right and then she savors the calm following. I think our family might be able to do what we need to get through our more hectic times but then return to this sense of calm before the next one begins. 

Here are some thoughts on how we might do this:

• Honestly examine how we cope with challenges, disorganization and mess, and problem solve how we might support each other; for example, I'm really good at taking all the items out of our junk drawer, discarding the outdated coupons and garbage, deciding that we don't really need 19 pens on hand, cleaning the trays and returning the drawer more organized and clean than before. My husband, on the other hand, is really good at just getting the job done. Laundry? He just puts the clothes away. Done. Maybe it's not done as neatly as I'd like, but the truth is, it's done and the laundry baskets are empty. He's able to move on to the next task. This is a great skill to have and one that comes in handy when we need to get stuff done. My son is great at helping with directed tasks or working directly with his father or me. My daughter, though, can be asked to tackle a chore and she's self-motivated to do it without supervision. We can use each of our skills and address how we can "get our house in order" using different tactics, rather than thinking that one chore chart fits all (i.e., not every laboring mother will want to use the shower during labor. Not every laboring mother will choose to squat.). 
• Chaos in a family of five is normal, yes, but it doesn't mean we are destined to a life that is stressful or maybe overwhelming. There must be a way to return to a more calm and organized way of living. But guess what? A family of five will look differenly than a single person living by themselves. This is our new normal. What I see in magazines is not real life. When you see that celebrity four weeks postpartum and there is no evidence she's given birth, that is not what I'd call "real life". Does it happen? Yes. But is it typical or what we'd expect? No. When your new normal is more hectic than you had imagined, then that means you need to figure out how to return to a new normal level of calm in between the moments of real life. 
• This, and every moment you experience, is part of whatever stage you're living. And stages change, we know that. The stage we're living involves a toddler, a Lego-maniac and a busy schedule. In nine short years, we'll be preparing to send our oldest off to college <gasp>. In 16 years (doesn't feel as soon, that's for sure), we may not have any children living with us! That means that we'll be without play food thrown across the floor or floor puzzle pieces abandoned mid-play. Yes, it'll look cleaner and we'll have a new normal. But the stage we're currently living will be over. And honestly, though it is really hard somedays, I also realize that this stage will carry us into the next. When I see a laboring woman breathe through early contractions, I'm aware that labor will change and her contractions will shift. She'll have a new normal. And her stage of labor is just that, a stage. And it's up to her birth team to support her transition into the next stage, whether it be active labor or breastfeeding or parenting. As a doula, it's up to me to support the other parent move into the next stage, as well. I'm there to remind the birthing family that each stage has it's joys and challenges, and that it's their new normal. 

Sure, go ahead and buy that latest book on organizing! Look to professional resources for support and ways to move through the stages. But most importantly, take time to think about and plan ways you can get your house in order. It won't be perfect, it won't be without challenges. But looking within to your strengths and abilities will help you as you do this work. 

In my experience, asking family and friends to join the birth team can make the laboring mother feel supported and loved. It may make the the birth feel like a celebrated event, verses an intimate, private one. 

As I've said before, there's not one right way to labor or birth, and it really does come down to a parent's preference. 

Having said that, you may want to consider some things before asking your family and/or friends to join you on the journey to meeting your baby. 

• What relationship do you share with the potential support person? Are you comfortable being honest with your feelings, even if it may feel offensive or hurtful to admit (i.e., Can you please leave during cervical checks? Can you give my partner and I privacy? There are too many people in here; I feel watched. I want to labor without clothes but I'm feeling modest around you. Your breath is awful! I am worried you're going to judge me if I choose to use pain medication. I wanted you here, but I don't want your boyfriend here!)
• Laboring means returning to a more primal way of being; do you feel comfortable simply moving and responding to your contractions without feeling like you need to change what feels right? 
• What expectations does your labor support person have? Have you been clear in your expectations? (i.e., you prefer only emotional support, verses someone who will be hands-on or making suggestions for while you're in labor. You'd like someone there to take photographs. You expect your support person to remain awake while you're laboring, providing massage or support as you change positions in labor.)
• What does your support person know about the reality of birth? It's not like the movies! Will your support person provide reassurance about how your labor is unfolding or will your support person watch your contractions via the monitor (verses watching you and how you're coping)? 
• Are you including this family member or friend because you feel obligated? Are you hoping this will improve your relationship and bond? Birth is not the time to expect relationships and communication patterns to miraculously change. You may be able to influence change prior to the birth, but labor and birth is NOT the time to focus on others. It's the time to focus on your labor and new baby.

I love working with a client's birth team, whether it includes just the medical staff or also family and friends! Sometimes I've seen very helpful, loving and supportive people in the labor room. Other times I've seen times where labor is not enhanced or supported, and instead it feels like the mother is "holding back" or labor even slows down while other support people are present. 

I'm available to provide private meetings with support people (family and friends). The expectant parent(s) may or may not attend (it's up to you and the support person). Consultations are 2 hours and cost $75. During this time your support person will receive evidence-based information, learn ways to provide physical and emotional support, and learn about IU Health Bloomington Hospital's birthing practices.  

Call to schedule your consultation today!