I'm amazed how taking care of one's needs can be considered selfish. I came across a blog post listing 25 things moms need to do for themselves. Sounds good, right? And it wasn't all that off, really, in what I would recommend. However, in the piece, it states "It's hard to drown out the little voice, but we're here to tell that it's OK to be selfish. It's OK to do things for yourself." Yes, it's okay to do things for yourself, but is that considered selfish? The definition of selfish is "lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure." 

So, what's up with that? How can we be encouraged to take time for our own needs while also calling it selfish? Lacking consideration for others? When I'm taking time for things I enjoy and time for self-renewal, I'm actually very much considering my children's needs. I know that in order for them to have a happy and healthy mom, I need to care for myself just as I care for their needs (and teach them to care for their needs, too!).  And the sheer nature of calling caring for our own needs "selfish" just feels wrong. It makes me almost not want to tend to the pieces of my being that need attention. 

Part of my job as mother means that I want to help my children be prepared to live fulfilling lives. I want them to learn how to care for their emotional health so they can cope well with challenges. I want my children to recognize when they need to reach out and ask for help. I want my children to understand there are resources and people in the world who will help them to be successful and happy and well. And in order to teach these lessons, I need to walk the walk. I need to show them that the world doesn't stop because I'm tending to my emotional needs and mental health. I can take a break from what I'm doing and the world will keep on turning. 

Taking time for yourself doesn't have to happen infrequently, such as receiving a gifted massage on your birthday or taking an afternoon to hang with your girlfriends once every few months. Taking time should happen as often as you need to replenish your cup. And just as with food, if you're noticing that you're hungry soon after your meal, examine what you've eaten and if that's enough to sustain you. If your meal is a candy bar and soda, then you're going to find that you're hungry again soon after and will spend more time and maybe money refueling your body. Whereas if you had just eaten a healthy meal with lots of color and protein, you may find that you're able to tend to the tasks at hand more easily. If your idea of replenishing is staying up late to watch a movie but the next day you're dragging due to lack of sleep, maybe this isn't the best way to always reboot. Or if taking care of your needs is drinking more than your body can handle, you probably won't feel refreshed the next day. I'm not suggesting you should NEVER stay up late or throw back some drinks. But if this is your "me time", then maybe you should integrate in other ways to meet your needs. 

Heading into nature is one of the simplest ways to nourish yourself. It can be as simple as sitting on your porch and noticing the trees around you. It can be going to the nearest hiking trails and walking in the woods for an hour. Sitting and being still and silent can also feel good. Notice your breathing, where your thoughts are going. Quiet any of the stress that comes your way when you start thinking of everything you could be doing instead. And just sit and be. This doesn't need to last hours or even minutes. Taking just ten to twenty seconds can give you that time to take some deep breaths deep into your belly and out again. 

And lastly, think about what you'd suggest to your dearest friend if she told you that she was tired, overworked, stressed, too busy, etc. Then turn that around and gift yourself those same suggestions. Take a moment to really love and tend to your emotional needs and see how much better you are at coping with your daily stressors.  

There comes a point in an expectant client's pregnancy where I begin nesting.  I start to put aside what I may need, should I receive a phone call in the middle of the night: comfortable clothing and shoes, my doula bag, food, drink, cell phone and charger, breast pump, and on. There have been times where I'm quite thankful to have been prepared, as it was helpful for me to have arrived sooner at her home, than later. 

I make arrangements with friends to care for Everett, I talk with my older children about the possibility of change in their routine, and I look ahead to what might need to be rearranged in my calendar. It's really an exciting time, even though my preparations may not be necessary for days or even weeks. 

I find that if I can settle into bed feeling like I have everything set, should I receive a phone call that night, that I sleep much better. I can fall asleep more quickly, and my sleep is more restful. 

With that said, if I treated each night's sleep as if it's going to be THE NIGHT, then it may feel like a very long waiting game. So instead, I make my preparations, and then I try to LET GO. I try to let go of that anticipation of, "will my client go into labor!?!", because I know that the more pressure I put that tonight may be THE NIGHT, then my energy is being put to use on something that doesn't need that level of energy. 

I remind myself that even knowing a client is three centimeters dilated at her last appointment, I still don't have any idea when her labor will start. Even if I've talked with her earlier in the day, and she's been feeling some cramps throughout the morning, that still doesn't mean she will be calling me later because her labor has intensified or she's requesting my support. 

So in order to really rest and be prepared for when I do receive a call, all I can do is prepare what I can and then LET GO of the questions that I don't have answers for. 

I encourage the families with whom I work to take a similar approach to their last weeks of pregnancy. When each night becomes WILL LABOR BEGIN TONIGHT? then it's bound to feel like a lengthy last few weeks. 

And before you try to tell me how hard it is to not know when labor will begin or that the last few weeks of pregnancy can be uncomfortable and exhausting in their own way, let me tell you: I GET IT! I totally understand feeling ready to go into labor, wondering when in the world my labor would begin, hoping that contractions would begin already! And it's really okay to feel how you feel, honestly. But if you're able to take some deep breaths and remind yourself that you can either stress yourself out with something you really can't control and feel even more exhausted OR you can remind yourself that letting go of those unanswered questions (when will I begin labor, how long will it last, etc.) can give you the space to prepare for your baby more peacefully. 

Almost six years ago, I was given this print as a gift from one of the first families that invited me to be part of their birth team. It is such a beloved gift, something that reminds me of a time in my life that felt so full of possibility. 

I wanted more than anything to work as a birth doula. I had no idea how that was going to happen, actually. I felt under pressure to submit my materials for certification, and I was mothering two small children. I didn't know many people in Bloomington, and in fact, I was very lonely for a community of women. 

I was so fortunate to have families choose me to join them in labor; I certainly didn't have any more experience than any of the practicing doulas. I did, however, have a profound respect for the birthing process and a strong interest in learning more. 

The families with whom I worked taught me how to listen and support. I am so thankful for this. 

This print reminds me of these sweet babies, now almost six year olds. It also reminds me of my growth as a birth doula. I am reminded that there is always room to learn and improve. There's a beauty in admitting that. 

We celebrated my daughter's first birthday in August 2007. I used a babyfood cookbook for ideas and guidance in feeding her solids, and in the book was a recipe for a raspberry cake. 

No joking, I was as excited for her first birthday party as I was for my wedding day. For me, it was a celebration of not only my daughter's first year, but it felt like such a HUGE milestone for me as her mother. 

We had lived in Vermont her first year, away from family, and this was really the first time that our entire family and good friends would be in one space to celebrate her existence. 

I don't recall if Pinterest existed at that point, but I really didn't fix my sight on anything elaborate, except for this cake. 

This cake. 

It was entirely from scratch. I whipped the cream and spent a couple hours preparing this cake. 

How did I feel that day, hosting over forty people at my in-law's home, creating a cake from scratch and did I mention, very NEWLY pregnant? 

I felt stressed out, tired and anxious. I begged someone to just watch Avery and take care of her while I prepared for the party. I honestly can't remember much of the party, besides that cake. 

And that's what makes me feel sad to this day. That fleeting moment, when we celebrated my daughter's first year, I only remember the cake. I don't recall much of my daughter's silliness, and I don't remember taking time to really connect with her and tell her how much I loved her and how grateful I was to be her mom. 

Instead, I remember that cake and the stress in preparing for the party. 

Since then, I've made the mistake one other time in hosting a large party and getting overwhelmed with the details. But I've really tried to be in the moment, enjoying my guests and my family during subsequent parties. I've put less pressure on the party and more emphasis on my child. 

While I still visit Pinterest, I honestly have no drive or desire to create our parties from scratch or to consume my energy with the small details. Perhaps if it brought me more joy or if it wasn't as stressful, I would tend to the details. But for now, while I'm parenting three young children and some days trying to keep my head above water, I'm just doing what I can do be in the moment. 

*This post was taken from a variety of personal experiences as a birth doula and also a mix of conversations had with other birth doulas. While some details may seem particular, this is not an account of any specific birth or family.

I’m so tired.

No, I’m not singing the Beatles’ tune, but rather reflecting on how I feel after having been awake with a birthing mother throughout the night and early morning.

Of course, when a doula is tired, she generally can go home and rest, whereas the new family is discovering their new roles and learning about the newest member. Newly postpartum mama is feeling her deflated tummy, empty of baby, soft and squishy. She walks gently to the bathroom, looks in the mirror and for the first time sees herself as mama. Papa hold his daughter, uncurling her fingers only to feel them wrap tightly around his finger; her world is her family, all she needs. New parents, feeling hyped up on those emotions that surround birth, smell their newborn’s neck, inhaling this sweetness that only resides on a new baby’s skin. The tiniest whimpers and loudest of cries makes the new parents reply with care, concern, love. And each and every time this sweet baby cries out, her needs are met instantly.

While this is happening, the learning and exploring, the doula is home. Perhaps she has to tend to her other roles, or maybe she’s tucked into her own bed. Depending on the length of labor support and the circumstances, the doula may be completely ready to jump into her agenda or previously scheduled commitments. Many times, however, it feels good for the doula to transition from the energy of labor and birth to her own space in the world with her own comfort measures (and you thought comfort measures were only for laboring women!).

This may include special rituals that ease the doula back into her own space in the world. Showers and baths can feel nice, bringing warmth, soothing scents and a chance to be washed clean, both literally and emotionally. Whether it was a straightforward birth with no complications or a birth that was dictated by the health of the mother or baby, the doula is certainly holding onto the range of emotions that happen within the birthing setting. Letting the water run over her skin can help a doula release the energy she’s been holding. Emerging from the warm water, the doula changes from the clothing she’s been wearing (perhaps for over the past 24 hours) into clean, comfortable clothing. She may crawl into bed, pulling the covers over her and fall quickly into a deep sleep. Upon waking, she manages to eat something, filling her belly more slowly than perhaps her rushed snacks throughout the time she’s been offering labor support.

Throughout the hours after the birth, it’s common for the doula to check in with the new parents, unless something else has been arranged. This may be a quick text or call, and sometimes a doula will stop back in to check on her clients later in the day. By this point, maybe the larger birth teams (grandparents-to-be, sisters, best friends) have returned their own homes or perhaps the clients that kept the birth setting intimate are now introducing their new daughter to their loved ones. Regardless, the doula is now entering into the new parents’ space in a different way; her role is not of labor support but instead postpartum support, celebration, and just being present to whatever is happening. This may include sharing laughter, tears, reflecting on the birth or simply gushing over how amazing and beautiful the new baby is.

Emotionally, there’s a wide range of normal for doulas after the birth is finished. There’s certainly this feeling of joy for the new parents, as their labor and birth story has wrapped, their story of parenting is just beginning. But sometimes she finds her role so quickly (and, of course, inevitably) changes once their baby is born. Of course the birth doula supports breastfeeding and acknowledges the new baby’s feeding cues and abilities, but her role is not to stay long past the birth (this varies from doula to doula, but staying up to a couple hours after the birth is typical). The doula holds the feelings for the family, whether it be elation or some feeling of loss over something that wasn’t expected, in addition to her own emotions surrounding the birth. And of course, birth doulas undoubtedly have their own stressors which may come into play as she’s reflecting on the birth. But when the doula surrounds herself with support and revisits her defined role as “birth doula”, she can let go of what was out of anyone’s control and find beauty in this sweet new baby’s birth story.

Being called to provide birth support is something most birth doulas don’t take lightly. It’s an intimate and special moment for an expectant family, and birth doulas are very aware of this. Taking a deep breath, releasing her own “stuff” and bringing light and love into the birth setting is something doulas learn. She may be invited to join a birth team that is comprised only of the parents-to-be, midwife (or doctor) and midwife’s assistant (or nurse). This team of three or four people works together, supporting the laboring mother and partner as they near closer to their baby’s birth. The birth doula has spent time in her training, continuing education and personal growth in order to provide the best support to this growing family. It’s an exhausting, (physically, emotionally, and mentally) profession, but it’s also very gratifying and inspiring work.

Watching a laboring couple work together in the throes of labor may remind a doula of her connection to her own partner. Seeing the awe in the new mother’s eyes as she sees her child for the first time may spark that deep love for her own child. Observing the joy in the faces of new grandparents and hearing them express their pride and elation over this new baby brings to mind the loved ones in the doula’s life.

Birth doulas may feel tired after the birth, but they also feel extreme love and amazement and happiness for the new family. And they feel honored and grateful for having been invited to be part of this new family’s birth.

I had never heard of a birth doula when I was eighteen, the age when I started really considering which major I'd declare, which classes to register for, my career path. I considered political science, nursing, teaching, but had not really considered going into work that would support pregnant women, their families and the community at large. 

I graduated with a degree in education and taught for five years in the public schools. I considered teaching to be the career I'd retire from, supporting students with a variety of needs. I loved all aspects of teaching, and though I thought I'd probably take a step away while my children were young, I saw a future of denim jumpers, apple decorations, and bulletin boards. 

It wasn't until my daughter was born that I explored birth work; I considered midwifery but decided I didn't want to put myself in that medical role, even if most of my work might be straightforward. I loved the energy that happens in labor and birth, and discovered the role of a birth doula. I purchased my packet from DONA International, essentially the forms that would need to be filled out and returned when I was ready to submit my application for certification. After the fact, I realized I didn't actually need to purchase the packet until I was ready to begin attending births. For me, that time didn't even arrive until late 2008, but I think having the deadline for certification actually motivated me to complete my certification. 

I spent my time reading books, websites, articles. I daydreamed about labor and birth, the excitement of seeing a baby being born. I attended my workshop in January 2008, around seven months pregnant with my older son. I sat in a room full of women, and we all were so eager and excited to move forward in our journeys. I was so excited to attend a birth, and that opportunity happened in late 2008, when I was hired for two clients' births. 2009 brought a handful of births, early in the year, and I was able to submit for certification by the deadline. I was so grateful to the families that welcomed me, an inexperienced birth doula, into their journey to meeting their sweet, new baby.  

It's been over five years since I worked with my first family. I think about these children, no longer babies, and I wonder how they've grown. I think about how my perspective has changed in regard to medical intervention and the choices we make as parents. I wonder if the families with whom I've worked realize how important they've been to me, and I'm so curious to see where my journey takes me.