I attended a Birthworkers Retreat at The Farm in Summertown, Tennessee and returned just a couple days ago. It was amazing. I am still processing my experience and trying to figure out how to move forward in my work. 

I was really curious how it'd feel to join women I didn't know, step away from my family and immerse myself in a community that is rich with history. I had NO idea how transformative my journey would be, and I'm really eager (but trying to remain patient with the process) to see how everything unfolds. 

Some parts of my journey that I am ready to share:

• Driving down to Summertown was filled with dancing along to tunes, listening to some books on CD, and just sitting in silence. It was a drive filled with anticipation, relief, and a little nervousness, too. 
• Arriving at the Welcome Center and being greeted by a kind woman, while surrounded by The Farm memorabilia, I was eager to set up my tent to avoid the impending rain!
• When I met Douglas Stevenson, our host for the weekend and Farm resident, I felt both settled and curious about the coming days. 
• I slept in my tent outside Deborah Flowers' birthing cabin, the space where we spent much of our weekend. It rained EVERY NIGHT I was there, but falling asleep and waking to rain (both actively falling and dripping from the trees after the rainfall) was so peaceful. 
• My first impressions of the women I met were among the lines of, they're nice! So many Canadians! Will I ever remember everyone's name?! My lasting memories are that we were brought together for the first ever Birthworkers Retreat for a reason, and I'm so grateful for experiencing the weekend with these amazing women. *The Farm hosts a number of midwifery workshops and other related workshops, but nothing specifically open to birth doulas seeking renewal and a weekend of learning. 
• Being at The Farm, I was in constant awe that this wasn't a retreat or vacation for the residents; this was real life and their chosen home. I wondered frequently throughout the weekend how I could ever integrate this sense of peace into my life after I returned to Indiana. 

There's more, certainly, that happened and when I'm ready to share the impact it all has on my work, I will gladly share. But for now, I'm tiptoeing back into my life and taking some deep breaths just as I start to feel unsettled by the uncertainty of the future. 

Photo Credit by fellow attendee Tara C.C.R.

I'm about ready to leave this morning for my adventure to Tennessee; I am leaving my sleeping husband and son in our warm, cozy bed while my older children are asleep in their room. I'm rarely awake by myself at this time of morning, where it's dark and the birds are singing their songs. The air is cool, damp and I'm just ready. I'm ready to explore, to step outside of my usual space and into a community that has nurtured so many individuals and families. 

I can't wait to discover more about myself, how to support mamas better and renew my energy for the little, more challenging things in life. 

I have the good fortune of attending a birthworkers retreat at The Farm Community in Summertown, Tennessee in only 9 days! I can't wait! I'm so excited!

Having read Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May's Guide to Childbirth (both written by legendary midwife Ina May Gaskin) during my pregnancies, I've dreamed of visiting The Farm for many years. While looking at their site, I was thrilled to learn there was a retreat offered to birthworkers (i.e., doulas, midwives, anyone supporting pregnancy and birth). Now, with the retreat just around the corner, I'm feeling a more mixed bag of emotions. 

I'm thrilled to be in such a sacred space, surrounded by the members of The Farm Community (it's an intentional community in addition to being a place where expectant women come to give birth, after which they return to their own homes). I have never lived in intentional community, though I think often how wonderful it'd be to live in close proximity to our dear friends, supporting each other in our parenting and personal journeys. 

I'm also a bit nervous to go off on my own, solo camping on the property (I'm not sure what to expect here- will I be on the property of a nearby cabin? Will I be in a meadow or in the woods?). What if I forget something critical? What if bring too much? 

My youngest is still nursing, and while I'm enjoying our nursing relationship, I'm also curious whether our time apart will push us further into the weaning process. 

I have never been away from my family, on my own, like this before. If I've attended workshops or trainings, I see them in the morning and evening. I am going to be without my pack for about four days. Yeah, this may not seem like a lot; I know parents that travel regularly for work, school or other reasons, and all is fine. But just like birth and parenting, I realize that my feelings associated with traveling are valid, even if it's someone else's normal. 

I'm going to be surrounded by other women that have chosen to immerse themselves in work that supports pregnancy, birth and "the fourth trimester". The work we do stays with us, even when we're not accompanying a woman in labor or witnessing her breastfeeding her child. All of us have been in more challenging situations, where we feel helpless or worried. And yet we (birthworkers) choose to continue in this line of work. When we're on-call, it's not a just a job, but rather a lifestyle. We spend, potentially, five weeks prepared to leave what we're doing, reschedule our day or jump out of bed, all in order to support an expectant family. Being at the retreat, I imagine it'll feel heavy at times, to possibly hear each other's stories, provide loving support and encouragement, all while honoring the stories that we carry with us. 

I have wondered whether I'll be interested in documenting my time away, and I don't think I'll know until I'm there. So, keep checking back to see if there are pictures and posts up, documenting my journey to The Farm! 

This is not a blog dedicated to organization, latest trends in home decor, or home improvement projects. By no means do I call myself an expert, and if you were to visit my house at any given moment, you'd see toys scattered around, laundry baskets waiting for attention, and dishes just lounging in the sink. But this morning I feel called to tackle "getting your house in order". 

With three kids, a husband, a dog and a cat, I constantly feel like I'm managing everyone's stuff. It can get a bit overwhelming when our weeks are busy, I'm away with a laboring mama, our calendar is packed with activities. I've tried to implement chore charts, after-school expectations, family meetings where we discuss said chore charts and after-school expectations. Sometimes we're on top of everything, managing well, but lately it feels like we're, well, not managing well.

So, in birth, if someone is not managing or coping well, I'd suggest other positions or movements. I may rub a mama's back or offer her something to drink. I'd remind her about where she is in labor and normalize her feelings of discomfort or curiousity. And if that didn't work, I'd try something else. I'd follow her lead. I'd turn to her birth partner, nurse or care provider and we'd come together as her team to support her hard work and efforts.  

But at home, as co-head of our household, I'm struggling with feeling like whatever I try to implement isn't sustainable. Then I start considering the reasons why. And I've come to realize that I cannot expect our home to be without it's disorganization or mess. WE LIVE HERE! WE'RE A BUSY FAMILY OF FIVE! THIS IS REAL LIFE AND NOT SOME MAGAZINE! Even so, there must be ways to get us back to some sense of calm after those busy days. In labor, women yell, moan, cry, sway silently. It's real and it's not what you see in the movies. A contraction begins and a woman uses whatever coping choice feels right and then she savors the calm following. I think our family might be able to do what we need to get through our more hectic times but then return to this sense of calm before the next one begins. 

Here are some thoughts on how we might do this:

• Honestly examine how we cope with challenges, disorganization and mess, and problem solve how we might support each other; for example, I'm really good at taking all the items out of our junk drawer, discarding the outdated coupons and garbage, deciding that we don't really need 19 pens on hand, cleaning the trays and returning the drawer more organized and clean than before. My husband, on the other hand, is really good at just getting the job done. Laundry? He just puts the clothes away. Done. Maybe it's not done as neatly as I'd like, but the truth is, it's done and the laundry baskets are empty. He's able to move on to the next task. This is a great skill to have and one that comes in handy when we need to get stuff done. My son is great at helping with directed tasks or working directly with his father or me. My daughter, though, can be asked to tackle a chore and she's self-motivated to do it without supervision. We can use each of our skills and address how we can "get our house in order" using different tactics, rather than thinking that one chore chart fits all (i.e., not every laboring mother will want to use the shower during labor. Not every laboring mother will choose to squat.). 
• Chaos in a family of five is normal, yes, but it doesn't mean we are destined to a life that is stressful or maybe overwhelming. There must be a way to return to a more calm and organized way of living. But guess what? A family of five will look differenly than a single person living by themselves. This is our new normal. What I see in magazines is not real life. When you see that celebrity four weeks postpartum and there is no evidence she's given birth, that is not what I'd call "real life". Does it happen? Yes. But is it typical or what we'd expect? No. When your new normal is more hectic than you had imagined, then that means you need to figure out how to return to a new normal level of calm in between the moments of real life. 
• This, and every moment you experience, is part of whatever stage you're living. And stages change, we know that. The stage we're living involves a toddler, a Lego-maniac and a busy schedule. In nine short years, we'll be preparing to send our oldest off to college <gasp>. In 16 years (doesn't feel as soon, that's for sure), we may not have any children living with us! That means that we'll be without play food thrown across the floor or floor puzzle pieces abandoned mid-play. Yes, it'll look cleaner and we'll have a new normal. But the stage we're currently living will be over. And honestly, though it is really hard somedays, I also realize that this stage will carry us into the next. When I see a laboring woman breathe through early contractions, I'm aware that labor will change and her contractions will shift. She'll have a new normal. And her stage of labor is just that, a stage. And it's up to her birth team to support her transition into the next stage, whether it be active labor or breastfeeding or parenting. As a doula, it's up to me to support the other parent move into the next stage, as well. I'm there to remind the birthing family that each stage has it's joys and challenges, and that it's their new normal. 

Sure, go ahead and buy that latest book on organizing! Look to professional resources for support and ways to move through the stages. But most importantly, take time to think about and plan ways you can get your house in order. It won't be perfect, it won't be without challenges. But looking within to your strengths and abilities will help you as you do this work. 

In my experience, asking family and friends to join the birth team can make the laboring mother feel supported and loved. It may make the the birth feel like a celebrated event, verses an intimate, private one. 

As I've said before, there's not one right way to labor or birth, and it really does come down to a parent's preference. 

Having said that, you may want to consider some things before asking your family and/or friends to join you on the journey to meeting your baby. 

• What relationship do you share with the potential support person? Are you comfortable being honest with your feelings, even if it may feel offensive or hurtful to admit (i.e., Can you please leave during cervical checks? Can you give my partner and I privacy? There are too many people in here; I feel watched. I want to labor without clothes but I'm feeling modest around you. Your breath is awful! I am worried you're going to judge me if I choose to use pain medication. I wanted you here, but I don't want your boyfriend here!)
• Laboring means returning to a more primal way of being; do you feel comfortable simply moving and responding to your contractions without feeling like you need to change what feels right? 
• What expectations does your labor support person have? Have you been clear in your expectations? (i.e., you prefer only emotional support, verses someone who will be hands-on or making suggestions for while you're in labor. You'd like someone there to take photographs. You expect your support person to remain awake while you're laboring, providing massage or support as you change positions in labor.)
• What does your support person know about the reality of birth? It's not like the movies! Will your support person provide reassurance about how your labor is unfolding or will your support person watch your contractions via the monitor (verses watching you and how you're coping)? 
• Are you including this family member or friend because you feel obligated? Are you hoping this will improve your relationship and bond? Birth is not the time to expect relationships and communication patterns to miraculously change. You may be able to influence change prior to the birth, but labor and birth is NOT the time to focus on others. It's the time to focus on your labor and new baby.

I love working with a client's birth team, whether it includes just the medical staff or also family and friends! Sometimes I've seen very helpful, loving and supportive people in the labor room. Other times I've seen times where labor is not enhanced or supported, and instead it feels like the mother is "holding back" or labor even slows down while other support people are present. 

I'm available to provide private meetings with support people (family and friends). The expectant parent(s) may or may not attend (it's up to you and the support person). Consultations are 2 hours and cost $75. During this time your support person will receive evidence-based information, learn ways to provide physical and emotional support, and learn about IU Health Bloomington Hospital's birthing practices.  

Call to schedule your consultation today!

When I first started my birth doula career, I would post on FB tidbits like, "(Amy) is winding down after a birth with some ben and jerry's" or "(Amy) is home with her family after having witnessed the birth of a new baby". Sometimes it was just something along the lines of "Birth is great!". 

And then I listened with curiousity to more experienced birth doulas explain why posting on social media may not be the best idea. At first, I felt defensive. I loved working as a birth doula (still do!) and I wanted to share it with my FB community that I was: 1) witnessing birth AND 2) working as a birth doula. Wasn't it okay to be excited about these parts of my life? 

Yes, it's okay to be excited about these parts of my life. But is it okay to post about it on social media? 

I was a believer that it was okay to post about attending births, but I'm not okay with it anymore.

Here are some reasons why:

• What if I forget to post about a client's birth (life is busy, I'm tired, I'm taking a pause from FB, etc.)? A small mishap on my part may communicate that their birth was somehow not "worthy" of a status update.
• I live in a small(ish) town and I work with 1-2 clients a month. When I post about going to (or coming home from) a birth, it may not take a detective for our mutual friends to figure out who I'm writing about. 
• Even if I ask for permission to post on social media, prior to the birth, the family may have a change of heart afterwards. And when they're holding their 1-hour old baby, I don't feel comfortable double-checking that they're still okay with me posting on social media. The only thing I should be doing 1-hour post birth is supporting the family.
• Birth is hard and sometimes afterwards, I'm still processing the experience. Writing a status update about the difficult parts of my work isn't necessary for my professional growth. And omitting that social media presence because the birth was traumatic for a family feels inauthentic, too. So having a no-social media presence surrounding when I attend a birth makes that decision easy. A family doesn't have to second guess why I didn't post about THEIR birth when it's obvious I've posted about the last three I've attended. 
• There are other ways to celebrate my work as a birth doula, and annoucing to my FB community that I'm going to or coming home from a birth is not necessary to tell the world I'm a birth doula. 
• This is your birth announcment, not mine. 

Now, you may sometimes see that there is evidence I'm a birth doula, however it won't come as a status update when I walk in the door from a birth. It may come in pictures a client has shared with me and given me permission to post (or perhaps they've tagged me in pictures). It may come in articles I post. You may know I'm a birth doula because I'm tagged in birth-related posts. I may sometimes post in general that I love my work or I am grateful for what I get to do in my professional life. But I can say, this won't be following supporting a laboring woman. It will after I've settled into my other roles and have the time to reflect on what I love. 

Some days you will feel like everything is going right! You're in a good place, you're eating great meals, you've had sweet times with your little one. Your home is tidied, cloth diapers are all washed up, your hair looks good and you're wearing an outfit that makes you feel great. 

Other days you'll feel like you're just getting by...barely. Your meals have been the leftovers from her plate, you're wearing the same pants from yesterday (okay, the day before yesterday), and you're pretty sure the only water you've had to drink has been water steeped with coffee grounds.

This is completely NORMAL. 

It's normal to have these amazing days where you love being a parent and you'll have days where you feel less than capable. But know that this is normal and part of the journey! 

How you feel about parenting changes, too, throughout the years. Heck, it changes throughout the seconds (who am I kidding?!). You may find that responding to your infant's needs comes naturally and easy. Or maybe your toddler is adorable and funny and you're absolutely in love with him. Your preschooler is curious and chatty and THIS is the best. Wait, your new kindergartener is growing into this truly awesome kid and you can't imagine anyone better with whom to share bedtime snuggles. 

OR...why is your baby crying again? What does she need?! How can your eighteen month old be throwing a tantrum because you said "no, you can't eat that rock!"? Isn't it TERRIBLE TWOs?! Oh, wait, preschoolers...THREENAGER!!! How can this "big kid" suddenly be so challenging?! Kindergarten...who knew there could be such BIG emotions!? 

Don't let one really hard day dictate how you feel about yourself as a parent. Take it as a sign that someone's needs aren't being met, everyone is human and has valid feelings, life is full of ups and downs. Then brush yourself off, take a deep breath, work to have your needs met, and process or change what you need in order to move on. 

It's cliche, I know, but without the rain, you wouldn't have the rainbows. Without the downs, you wouldn't have the ups. Without all the chocolate, you wouldn't have, um, deliciousness? 

Celebrate the joys and be confident that the challenges will not be forever. 

There's nothing like your toddler screaming, crying, stomping, running away and, did I mention screaming, in public, that makes you feel incredibly vulnerable. During times when my youngest is unhappy and more than likely hungry or tired, I strive to meet his needs. But during the moments where I just don't know what he need/wants or I'm not able to fulfill his needs right at that moment (or let's be honest, his needs change just as I'm handing him the crackers to which he's pointing because he doesn't want crackers anymore he wants fruit leather, no he wants pretzels, no he wants raisins, no he wants yogurt, no he wants a cookie but we don't have any cookies which is infuriating and ahhhhh!!!), I start to feel very vulnerable in how others see my parenting choices. Or let me put it this way, I'm-doing-the-best-I-can-and-maybe-you-would-have-done-differently-but-please-stop-looking-at-me-like-I-should-be-doing-something-else-in-this-moment.  

Now, I realize this is all about perception- maybe that seasoned mother is not judging but instead remembering back to her child's tantrums and thinking, "I'm glad I'm past that stage!". Or maybe that young college student really does think I can't handle my child. Whatever it is someone else is thinking, that's for them to carry and for me to let go. Because truly, I can't add yet another thing to worry about to my plate. 

After having, ahem, experienced toddlerhood with two other children, I can proudly say that this stage is awesome and challenging and it does end. And yet, I've also learned from being around other families with toddlers that this stage doesn't need to be riddled with stress and feeling vulnerable. 

When you're feeling like your parenting choices are magnified, ask yourself, who are the key players in this moment? It's surely not some stranger watching your son scream for a cookie while you're holding your ground about no sweet snacks between meals. Because if you're focusing on what she might be thinking about you or your child, your focus is going to be split and you may not be addressing the real issue. 

I've had moments where I'm feeling embarrassed, tired, stretched and poorly nourished AND attempting to address my screaming and crying toddler. This is not good! But imagine if I'm also very aware of every customer in the produce section and wondering what they're thinking about me or my child. That means that part of my attention is spread out to thirty strangers instead of focusing that energy on my child and what's happening. When I start to feel this vulnerable blanket covering me, I consciously say to myself, this is not about anyone besides my child and how I can support him. 

Now, how that unfolds depends on the circumstances, but most importantly, I've let go of that incredible energy that comes from feeling vulnerable and then (probably) judging my parenting choices or telling myself that my child's behavior is obviously a reflection of my poor parenting, neither of which will help me in that moment. 

Taking away the power that comes from letting others decide how you feel about yourself can be incredible. It puts the focus back on meeting the needs of the most important people in that moment: you and your child.